I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Someone came in the potted fern
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
