My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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