Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
