you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
