Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
