Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
