I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
