Four minutes until I can fart!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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