if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
