someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Randomize
