I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
