So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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