On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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