just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
