I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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