She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
