: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
