so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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