I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
