I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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