i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
