Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
