oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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