Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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