I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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