Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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