No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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