I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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