So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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