I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
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