he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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