i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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