if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize