Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
