On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize