I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
