Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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