I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
where are you?
Hypothermia
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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