Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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