he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
