Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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