I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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