apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
