rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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