I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
