remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
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