My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize