my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
