wrigley field is MILF paradise
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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