I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
