I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
