Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
