im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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