There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize